Content.

When You are content to be simply yourself and

don't compare or compete, everyone will respect you.--Lao Tzu

Lately I have been thinking about what it means to be content. What it means to be comfortable, and happy in a situation that you may, or may not, revel being placed in. I doubt I have a single friend or acquaintance who would argue their life has turned out exactly as they have planned or hoped. I know for certain mine has not...nevertheless, the question to answered is whether or not I can live fully in a situation, circumstance, or place that I might not have chosen for myself.

If you were to ask me where I pictured myself in 10 years on my fifteenth birthday, I can promise you the last thing I would say is, "Living at home, working on my second degree, in a bit of a state of limbo, greatly reliant on parental support." I had a lot of dreams, aspirations, and plans. (I actually think I was supposed to be a FOX News Analyst at this point..perhaps we should be glad all dreams don't come true.) I wanted to get as far away from small-town Oklahoma as possible. I wanted to see the world, pave my own way, fall in love, get married, and have a beautiful life. It might have seemed to the outside world that I had everything figured out...then life happens.

We learn the pain of making wrong decisions. We see that people don't always have our best intentions in mind. We learn that love hurts more than it soothes most of the time. We learn the feelings of loss, rejection, pain, and hurt in a more real way than we ever thought possible. We become disappointed with others, God, and ourselves. We become skeptics. And often times...we give up hope.

I remember well how disillusioned I was upon college graduation. Everything I thought I knew so well, all the things that seemed so concrete and certain were now falling all around me. I looked for a way of escape, not a way of facing my fears in the midst of a quarter-life crisis of belief. Two years later, however, I cannot help but marvel at the faithfulness of God, even when I didn't want anything to do with His plan for my life.

We think we are so smart, that we can identify the person we need to be, the things we need to have, and the people we need in our lives on our own, without listening to anyone else, and avoiding all counsel. Two years ago I spent most of my time obsessing over the opinions of individuals who would become toxic to my life, rather than uplifting, exhausting myself for the approval of man, all the while hating myself and the place I was in. I wanted more than I had, and wished for a different life than that I was blessed with.

What brings this to my attention is the premiere of the Sex and the City II movie. My sister and I laughed today, remembering the premiere of the first movie. Thinking back on the night I went to see it, at the same theatre, two years ago, I surrounded myself with individuals who couldn't care less where I would be in two years. Although I had a lot of fun in the moment, I remember waking up day after day feeling alone, abandoned, as though I had no one to support any dream I might have or aid me in a time of need.

Though there is a lot that can be said about making positive choices in friends and those whose counsel you listen to, I cannot help but think the greatest difference between Bre "then" and Bre "now" has occurred, not in the individuals surrounding me, but within myself.

Doris Mortman once said, "Until you make peace with who you are, you'll never be content with what you have." Over the past two years, I have begun to see that reconciling the relationship I have with myself has been more important than surrounding myself with a false blanket of security. I have dated different guys, could be married right now if I wanted, but it terrifies me to think of the life I would have had because I was so far removed from the person I needed to be. So consumed with other's opinions I was living reactively to every situation.

So here I am, two years later. Living at home. Going to school. In Western Oklahoma for at least two more years until I graduate. Consumed with school. Still Single.

But...daily working to choose contentment.

Proverbs 14:30 reads, "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." If we sit obsessing over how different our lives would be if we had this, or lived there, or had him, we will literally rot our lives away. Living with the coulda, woulda, shoulda of life is agonizing and makes happiness impossible. Sure, I'd love to fast-forward my life. There have been times I've thought that escaping my place, getting an ordinary job, and following my heart might be the best option, nevertheless life installs certain "check-points" that make you realize there is so much more to life than the "right now" and that, despite your anxiousness, you are exactly where you need to be.

I thought about this last night driving home from OKC. With me were three of the most beautiful, smart women I have ever met. People I am honored to call my friends. Were they my friends two years ago? No. Would my life be different if I had never met them. Yes. The fact is, I highly doubt these beautiful, quality, smart girls would have been my friends had I met them two years ago. I was so consumed with things that didn't matter, pleasing people who didn't matter, and never finding peace with who I am. I am so lucky that God's grace brought me back home, at this point, to create the life I was always meant to live with these relationships that make me a better person.

I have the greatest best friend in the world now. I get the honor of going to nursing school with her over the next two years. What is funny is I met her two years ago, when I was a drastically different person, with incredibly skewed priorities. How would my life have changed if I would have been content with where I was going then? I am making the commitment now, to not make the same mistakes.

What I am trying to say is this: don't judge your life by current circumstances. Don't judge love by your last relationship. Don't build walls to keep yourself safe. Choose to live the life you are given today, and when God or circumstances say, "Wait," reply, "Gladly." I wish I would have waited. I wish I would have trusted. Even today I wrestled over how I wished a certain part of my life were different. That I could follow my heart somewhere beautiful and not worry about responsibility. It doesn't end because we grow up or go through something. Daily we must make the choice to be happy with where we are, who we are with, and what we have.

I cannot wait for two years from today. I know I will look back so proud of the degree I will have, the new car I might have, and encouraged by the beautiful people that have stood by me through these next two years. You cannot react and focus your life over what other people might do or say. I could easily make choices that make others happy, but in the end would not be in my best interest or in the interest of the future in store for me.

Seeing how much I have grown, simply because I got to the end of me, and welcomed the presence of God to bring peace into my heart and place in the world gives me hope for the next years of my life. I won't win every boy's heart. I won't always make the best grades. But if I relinquish control of my life, my circumstances, and other's opinions of me and fully live in the moment I have been granted, I know I will not be disappointed. I will not be ashamed of who I am today and the person I am becoming.

Hebrews 3:5 reads, "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have. God has said, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." So many opportunities in my life were given up because I was worried about what someone else would think. Countless opportunities to help others or better myself were passed up or not even seen because I was worried a certain boy wouldn't like me. What's sad is, boys, friends, even mentors come and go, but at a the end of the day, you are stuck with yourself. So strive to be a person that you can be proud to know.

Am I still looking for love? Of course. Do I want many of the same things I did ten years ago? You bet. But today I am thankful that my life sometimes puts speed bumps on the way to my destiny so that I end up somewhere I can be proud of. Today I am more determined than ever to be a good example, to be a living testiment of how beautiful a life can be when you relinquish control and are thankful for what you have now.

Jim Elliott once said, "Wherever you are, be all there. Live to the hilt every situation which you feel to be the will of the Lord." Today, Western Oklahoma. Tomorrow, who knows. I am not where I want to end up, but I cannot wait to see where I am going.

And those people who might bail because where I am stretches them, and makes them uncomfortable today? Well, I'd dare say they look back in two years with a great deal of regret. God's ways are higher than our own. So to everyone with me on this journey, hang on, it's going to be a wild, but beautiful ride.

Grey's Anatomy

Thursday night was the season finale of Grey's Anatomy, one of the few shows I have watched since it's debut and the show which has the greatest tug at reality in my life. I remember still the day I watched the first episode, attempting to convince myself that I was just like Merideth every week just so I could end up with McDreamy. It was only after the episode where Christina shows Burke her apartment that my entire family phoned me, hysterically laughing that Bre Little had taken Asian form in Dr. Cristina Yang.

Needless to say, the show has seen me through some hard times. I remember a particularly horrible breakup during season three, and the anguish I felt when I didn't think Merideth would survive the ferry explosion. I even started a facebook group to "Save Merideth" which gained a couple thousand members. All for what? A television show you say? or is our connection to media becoming more of a mirror of the rest of our lives than we would like to let on?

I like to use television as an escape from my daily life. An hour each week to realize your inability to find Mr. Right cannot be half as agonizing as the aortic dissection Christina is soloing. Still, watching the finale, literally feeling physical pain as Derek falls down from a bullet to the chest, I couldn't help but wonder, does TV help us mature?

As a young, bright-eyed college student, I had little desire for commitment, relationship, much less ever considering the idea of having children. I was perfecly happy to be at the top of my class, intimidate men, drive a fast car, and have the best labels. I thought "making it" would be becoming a partner in a major law firm or getting a break on Broadway. I think I held a lot of the same ambition in my eye a Christina and Meredith did when they first walked the skywalk of Seatle Grace Hospital. They were driven, they wanted success, they would take no prisoners.

Now, six years later I'm watching these strong-willed, powerful surgeons fighting just as hard for love and family as status and promotion. Where did the paradigm shift? And did I ever notice the shift in me? My eyes are opened much wider to the idea of marriage, monogomy, and commitment. I even have brief moments of not despising the idea of having children (that issue is still a long way from becoming a "desire") But at some point Meredith, Cristina, and Bre grew up.

So, to the person who shuns my love for certain medical dramas, answer me this. What does one hour a week hurt if it enables people to see the pitfalls of life that you might can avoid? What does it matter if we cry when they cry if it teaches important lessons that might fight off loneliness in reality?

I'm not saying we should spend all of our time watching television, maybe I am justifying my obsession, but for now...

I'm glad McDreamy is safe. I am glad Christina fought for love for her best friend. I am happy that Meredith saved Owen. and in the end, I'm glad Owen chose a happy ending for Christina. That's all.

Wait...

Perhaps the most despicable four-letter-word in all the English language is the one I have heard the most from God over the course of my life-time. Even today I was handed a sobering reminder of the terrible pain and irritation this word can have on my desires and hopes. (even when these hopes and desires might be right...in the right season). No one likes to wait. And God asking you to wait can seem like the biggest annoyance a Deity can hand you.

My conversation with God goes something like this, "Okay Lord, You love me. I feel I am following your will, listening to your voice, and doing what I am supposed to be doing at the moment I am supposed to be doing it. So can I please, please have this one thing that I really, really want?" This doesn't seem like an outrageous request, I mean doesn't the Savior of humanity see how MUCH I am giving Him? Seriously? Seriously.

I have heard this four-letter-word so many times and I wish I could tell you I always headed the voice of the Divine, or always understood that Heaven's ways and timing are above my own. I am guilty, like so many others I am certain, of "rushing" God's plan. Inevitably, "rushing" God's plan ends up being a way of train-wrecking the promise of God and ending up with a second-rate version of the dream He originally mapped out for you. I know it seems curious, but this has been my experience.

God asked me to wait today. I got mad...but then I found something, from when I was a little girl.

Being a "little" girl, might mean being thirteen (although I am no taller now than I was then, I have grown a bit wider). I am currently going through three Bibles: my current Bible (which I have used during my 20s); a new Bible; and the Thompson Chain Reference KJV Bible I used as a teenager. I am going through slowly and highlighting some of the passages that have brought me strength and comfort over the last decade of my life. Reading my teenage Bible is humbling. I was so attuned to the voice of God, so hungry for His word. The markings in my Bible tell a journey all their own, much moreso than the Bible I have used over the past four years. As I read through Isaiah, I came across a passage I probably have not read since I was 13:

Then you will know I am the Lord; those who wait for me shall not be put to shame. (49:23)

Others will know God is the Lord, through our waiting. Waiting is a command just like "love thy neighbor as thyself," these are qualities that set the Christ-follower apart from the unbeliever in the eyes of the world. Instant gratification is so easily accomplished in our world, it can be a purchase, a decision, a plane ride away...but there is something about knowing that not only are you doing the right thing, but at the right time that makes the reward so much sweeter. Often denying your flesh on the journey to who you will become, who you will be with, and what you will have define the promise when you finally reach it:

Behold I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake, I do it, for how show my name be profaned? My glory I will not give to another. (Isaiah 48:10-11)

God is seeking glory through our lives in every situation and circumstance. Even when we are not aware. I remember the call I felt God place on my life as a young girl taken from Isaiah 55:5 to "summon nations I know not, that nations that know not me shall hasten unto me, for my GOD, the Holy one of Israel has endowed me with splendor." As a thirteen year old girl this sounded great and grand. I would tell everyone God had given me this promise but I had absolutely no vehicle to proclaim the promise. It was only through pain, the death of my aunt and suicide of my cousin; the torment of my jaw injury, the debilitating hatred of myself through an eight-year struggle with anorexia; that God's glory was fully able to be seen through me. I have shared my testimony in six countries. A testimony I did not have the day God gave me a word that I would "Summon Nations" for Him.

Often "wait" simply is a challenge for something better, something whole, something beautiful.

God is asking me again, today to wait. I must say, even after seeing the faithfulness of being faithful to the "in-between" time that it is hard for me. So much uncertainty surrounds what I am being asked to do. Will the opportunity even be there when God's through with whatever it is he's pulled his favorite four-letter-word out for?

I am so tempted to be discouraged, so tempted to blame God of forgetting me, of leaving me alone, without counselor, without companionship, and sometimes without Him. (it feels).

Let me leave you with the story of how I feel, quoted so beautifully, once again from the book of Isaiah:

Why do you say, O Jacob, and speak, O Israel.

"My way is hidden from the Lord, and my right is disregarded by my God?" (vs. 27)

How many times have you been there? "It's my right to be in love. It's my right to be happy. It's my right to live in abundance. Didn't you promise me all these things God? Why must I watch even the wicked prosper while I must wait? Surely I am the exception to Your rule, You really aren't looking out for Brea's interest." But continue reading His promise:

Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not grow faint or grow weary;

His understanding is unsearchable. (vs. 28)

Amen to that, because right now you are making NO sense asking me to hurry up and WAIT.

He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might, he increases strength.

Even youths shall faint and be weary,

and young men shall fall exhausted;

But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings like eagles:

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint.

Sure, I could try to hurry God up on this one, maybe help Him out a little, but the ever-living, ever-lasting, never-failing God of all creation has called me, today, to "wait."

Even when we do not understand, or agree, let us make this "waiting" an act of worship, just as faith, hope, and love. Because there is beauty, and strength on the other side.

Happy...

Can anyone actually pinpoint the last time they were truly happy? What did it look like? How did it feel? What caused this euphoria within your psyche? Were there physical manifestations of your happiness? What role did others play in your condition? Are those players still active members of your life today? How long did it last? Were the conditions of it temporary?

These are the type of questions I ask myself frequently. Happiness has become something of a quest to me. All our lives we try to find the thing, the job, the place, the person who can bring us happiness, and pursue that thing with every part of our being. What is so terrifying about all of this is that people, places, and things fade away often and when they do, do they take your happiness with them? Is the memory of that feeling enough to keep one going?

Here is a classic example. My family loves to travel to Scottsdale, Arizona. I have memories of this locale spanning from age eight to two visits this year. My father loves the JW Marriott resort, the spa is gorgeous, the pool is peaceful, the sun is shining, and it is miles away from any problem or stress associated with our lives. The landscape is both my parent's phone backgrounds and the wallpaper on my father's computer. Often I hear my dad editing familiar songs to make them applicable to Scottsdale. My family loves Phoenix. Here's the catch: we have never been to Phoenix in the summer. My parents frequent this beautiful local the second and third weeks of February each year. This year we went out on a limb and traveled there over spring break. Would the opinion, the feelings of happiness that pervade through this house be different if we visited in 120 degree weather? Would we leave Arizona with the same infatuation for perfection? Or would we just be fanning ourselves, thankful that at least in Oklahoma the wind blows a little air (regardless of how hot it may be) to relieve the terrible summer heat?

I have looked for happiness on every corner of the globe, in every academic discipline, in every fad that came along. I've searched for it in different denominations, different boys, different modes of self expression. Although I have had solitary "moments" of, what I would define as "happiness," the feeling goes away. I get the latest Louis Vuitton Handbag, feel like I am the queen of the Upper East Side, until next week when Blair is carrying the latest YSL.

I have tried to find happiness through my faith, but so often we put perimeters around God's plan for our lives. Happiness comes only when things are going our way. It is impossible to be happy when going through a trial or testing. Yes, we can worship through our pain, but do not dare call us "happy" about our plight. We bargain with God, we beg Him to remove our circumstances so we can praise Him as we want, when we all know, the moment adversity is removed, the more likely we are to forget the Master. Why is life so hard? Why can we not find a place of balance, of calm?

I'm not necessarily "happy" about my lot in life right now. Living at home, going back to school, working part time. I'd have loved to have had a career, a husband, a Volvo, a puppy even by this point in my life. I see so many people in much more stable places, but for some reason I cannot help but rejoice in where I am.

I want everything now. I always have. I probably always will. But the truth is, I'm not ready for the wonderful, beautiful, big things that God has in store for my life today. If I had it all, the boy, the job, the clothes, the house, the car...I wouldn't have the slightest idea what to do with it. I would, in the end, not be happy even though I have everything. I'm not ready to be a wife, I'm not ready to fully be me yet. Why is it so hard to let go of the "you" of yesterday, with all the screw ups and failures, and disappointments? Why are we so hesitant to become the person we were always meant to be? Are we scared that we might again fail? Looking at "old Brea," I easily say, "well we can't screw up any more than that girl," but still that is no excuse for not moving on. I know I have much to offer others, but I must first come to the realization that I, today, with grace, have everything I need to be happy. Everything.

Sure, I am still living under my parents roof, under their rules. But I am terrified to think of the mistakes I would have made over the past six years had they not had the voice in my life they did, and continue to have. Of course, I long to live in a big city, to meet new people and experience new things, but I have never had a closer friendship than several I have made in the past months here at home.

It is so easy to become focused on what we don't have, we neglect to see that the things we are complaining we don't have, we actually do...they just don't look like what we thought they would. I'd be a mess in a relationship right now, so maybe that's why I'm not married. I have come to realize that happiness is not a stroke of luck, but that happiness is the consequence of personal effort. Each day, with the Lord's help I must make the decision to be happy. I must make the decision to pray, I must make the decision to be the best student, daughter, sister, and friend I can be today.

In Elizabeth Gilbert's beautiful book, she speaks of prayer, "It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments."

I grew up despising western Oklahoma, waiting for my ticket to get out. Yet, now I see that the world is not as kind as I had thought. I am thankful now for where I am, for the happiness that I am able to create and sustain here. I am thankful for the dear, true, genuine friends I have been blessed with as companions on this section of my life's journey. I look forward to the days ahead because happiness must be seized, not stumbled across. Sure, I cannot wait for the future, to find my prince, to have a career, a family, to touch lives for eternity...but for now I am here, and for that I chose to be happy.

Love...

So I haven't blogged in months...a lot has been going on. Or maybe I just have not had the emotion that tonight is producing in a while. I've been rather numb, but tonight I feel compelled to write, even though I should be studying for finals...words just have to get out.

Tonight a deep, introspective cloud is hovering over me. I feel the need to think deeply. I feel a nagging longing for love. When I was a little girl I had so many visions of what love was supposed to look like, from the love Cinderella had for her prince to the love Dorthy had for the counterparts on her journey to Oz, I had a vision of what love was "supposed" to look like. Big. Unmistakable. Without blemish. Perfect. Pervading. Eternal.

Not simply romantic love either. We long for a kinship with a kindred spirit, someone who "gets" you, someone you can rely on. Whatever the type of love, as you age, as you gain experience, you realize that love (like so many things) doesn't look exactly like what you thought it would.

I remember the first time I thought I was "in love." Infatuated, blissfully ignorant, unable to accept logic or reason. For a few days, even months these emotions seem like enough to sustain your emotion...but one day you want more. I was so blinded by hormones that it took a very long time to realize the damage I allowed this person to make to my esteem, my soul, and my heart, simply because I thought I honestly was "in love." So many heartbreaks could have been avoided if only I would have evaluated my obsession. Could I talk to this person? No. Did he treat me with respect? No. Did my family and those closest to me approve? No. Did he challenge me to be a better human being? Definitely not. Yet why are we so willing to overlook red flag after red flag to simply follow an emotion, or the dream of an emotion?

Emotions, newness wears off. Authenticity and truth remain. There is a reason that the deepest longing of the human heart is that of love. A reason that God charges "love" the greatest among those three truths that remain. To love is to hope, to have faith in the unseen. To love is to give up the momentary in hopes of a better tomorrow. Perhaps this is why, after heartbreak and breakups, we still deeply long to love.

I will be twenty-five soon, and yes I feel a little old. The majority of my friends are married with children, have stable incomes, and mortgages, and SUVs. Isn't there supposed to be something in me that should be jealous of that which I am "without"? Living with my parents, going to school yet again, chasing something I don't fully understand? But I cannot help but thank my lucky stars daily I have not settled for a second-rate version of my "modified dream."

Yes, I want different things now. I want stability, I want commitment, fidelity, common faith. When I was younger I wanted someone who could play the guitar and looked like Paul McCartney. But the feeling is the same, the hope is the same, the dream is the same. C.S. Lewis once said:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

To choose love is to choose life. And maybe I haven't found what I'm looking for yet because before I didn't know what I really wanted. That's the funny thing about hearts, they tell you the truth five years later. Nevertheless I am still hopeful, and I am now, more than ever...delirious with possibility.