that extra five pounds

There is no doubt about it. I am a stress eater. Recently I have been very happy with my personal progress in weight loss and physical fitness. I was running four days a week and following weight watchers, I even vowed off Diet Coke and fast food for Lent. I was losing weight and feeling good about myself...then last week happened.

I took a chemistry test and made the worst test score of my college career. I started to realize I will find out about my acceptance/rejection from graduate school this month possibly and my fear of rejection kicked in. Who am I supposed to talk to about these fears? About chemistry tests so awful I do not want to even share them with my Laurens? Ice Cream, Chocolate, Donuts, Pizza, and pasta with lots and lots of cheese of course!

For four solid days I have done nothing but consume empty calories and feel sorry for myself. Now this doesn't seem like the most efficient way to solve my issues, but it does make me feel a little better for the time being. But the bigger question is, why would someone with a recovering eating disorder always turn to food in a time of need? Shouldn't I feel repelled from high-fat foods, shamed even more to eat them in my slump of pity and self-loathing?

Maybe I feel so insecure and badly about myself I want to feed my negative feelings, so I take the literal approach and use the tools that made me feel so awful about myself so many years ago. No one can answer these questions for me I fear, but I can answer one...it has to stop.

I have gained almost all the weight back I lost in the past month. I know a great deal of it is water weight and I can lose it rapidly, but right now I sit here dreading weighing on the weight watcher scales more than my killer physiology test on Thursday. I'm a smart, grown up woman who knows better...so why can't I pass up the ice cream?