Lent

Before my collegiate experience at SNU, I had never observed (or even known of) the liturgical season of Lent. I remember the first time I heard it spoken of at a school chapel, people giving up things and scattering ashes on their heads. I even called my evangelical minister father to ask him what in the world was going on, he was more dumbfounded than I was. The megachurch I was attending at the time didn't have ashes on Wednesday, so I thought I could go about my way, nothing being done here was mandated by the Bible...("maybe this is somewhere in the Apocrypha?" I thought.)

I, as many college students, went through something of a crisis of belief during those formative years. I began by attending services at a church very much like my fathers. It was comfortable, I felt secure, but inside I still imagined what was outside this four-walled pentecostal box I had lived in for 20 years. Yet, it was not some conversion experience which brought my questions, it was the study of my discipline, History, that led me to seek out answers. I won't bore you with the details of my church roaming, but there was an innate part of me that desired to be a part of something larger than myself, something larger than my generation, to seek a connection to the history of the faith I so deeply cherished.

Since then, I have come to honor church traditions with great reverence. Ash Wednesday, however, has become a day that I dread. I should be excited that Easter is approaching and spring break is soon coming, but still...dread is all I feel. I used to make many grand promises, more out of desire for men to applaud my efforts than anything else, but those promises made for other people always fail. I remember my junior year of college when I made the decision to give up caffeine. (If you do not know me well this is a good time for definition. Caffeine is the only reason I graduated Magna from SNU. Between sleeping disorders, being overextended, and my inability to say now, caffeine was a major part of my life, from coffee, to Diet Coke, to Vivarin I'd use it all. I actually received a case of 50 cans of red bull for christmas this year...all of which are gone. Needless to say, Caffeine is my drug of choice.) I remember the first morning I woke up, felt "okay" drank about ten Caffeine Free Diet Cokes and hoped somewhere they were hiding some other energy agent. The next morning I woke up with the most severe migraine headache of my life, complete with vomiting. I missed school and took a relpax (a nice little $$ pill you can take for migraines which is loaded with caffeine). In my vain attempt to appear religious to others, I made myself deathly sick, missed coursework, and ended up drinking diet coke anyway. (God wouldn't want me to die during Lent, right?)

This year I sat out my fast, no diet pop or fast food. As I sat in the chapel meditating before communion, I reflected on what this season truly means. I dread Lent because it represents death. Dying to whatever it is that creates separation between us and the life we are commissioned to have. I should have felt good about myself, for Brea Little to give up Diet Coke is a major death, it will be hard, I am making an effort. Then God hits me over the head.

I started to write down the things which fill my life, my priorities, the things which dominate my thoughts. It wasn't "school" that came to my mind, or "drinking too much diet coke," it hit much deeper. We as a culture are consumed with wanting what we don't have, and never appreciating what we do. I am not exception to this. We spend hours on social networking sites seeing what others are doing and wondering how we can get what they have or making ourselves feel somewhat accomplished that our lives are more together than someone else's. We create false images of these people. We imagine their perfect lives with their perfect jobs, perfect mates, and perfect pets. We imagine them running the Memorial Marathon and going on extravagant vacations. We create the delusion that "if i could only have this," "if i could only graduate with my next degree," "if i could only meet the right person," "if only, if only, if only." I am reminded of Anthony De Mello:

There is not a single moment in your life when you do not have everything you need to be happy. Think for a minute. The reason why you are unhappy is because you are focusing on what you do not have rather than on what you have right now.

Happiness is a choice, who we are is not to be "found", but rather created. As I sat in the chapel preparing to receive the ashes and be reminded of my own mortality I realized something important, "what you have does not determine what I want, although I often want what you have simply because you have it." I used to envy girls with seemingly perfect boyfriends until I realized at the points in my life I was envious, I the perfect man for me could have broke down my door and I would not have known it. I was so sold out to delusions of what happiness looks like. I was challenged Wednesday, perhaps more than giving up carbonized drinks with artificial sweetners, to stop wearing myself out wanting and wishing. There is not a single moment in my life where I do not have everything I need to be happy.

Happiness is accepting and appreciating your place. Right now I am back in my hometown, taking classes to apply to nursing school. There is not a day that goes by that I wish I would have made this decision earlier, or that I was already a nurse. But today I have reason to be happy. I have reason to celebrate the degree I have and the future career I will one day have. I have seen so much of the world at such a young age, but good things could happen to me over and over and never register if I keep my mind focused on what I don't have.

De Mello tells a story about a group traveling through beautiful countryside on a bus, heading to a particular destination. The country is some of the most beautiful in all the world, yet they never see it because they have the blinds on their windows closed. Life, even life in Western Oklahoma looks a lot different when you open the windows and allow yourself to appreciate beauty around you. I am a Southern, but not a country girl. I hate the outdoors, I cherish the bitter winter months, and I despise country music. On my way to school today though, I made an effort to find beauty in this geographical place. Driving home I saw two ponies near a barn. Adorable, playful, and completely happy with the small plot of land they call home. They do not dream of a better life, of a bigger barn, but enjoy one another's company and enjoy the sunshine. Oh to live our lives wide open. To let go of the attachments that have bound us for years.

John 12:24-26 reads, "Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains jut a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Those who love their life lose it, and those who hate their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me, and where I am, there will my servant be also. Whoever serves me, the Father will honor."

May seeking the honor of Heaven challenge us this Lenten season.

(I've got to go, breakfast at Tiffany's is on)